it's like iHOP with fire
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
