wrigley field is MILF paradise
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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