he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
