I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Shame is for Republicans.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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