you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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