The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
