I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
