Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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