the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
