well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
