Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
