currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
