I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
