Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
