Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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