Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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