billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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