I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
