I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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