Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
