Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
