the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
