i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
