So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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