im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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