Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
