can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
