I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
