I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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