did you get engaged???
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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