i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
