happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
