You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
