So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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