then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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