My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
