My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I don't deserve a penis
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
