Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
