my being single is dangerous.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
