I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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