i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
