Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
