i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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