i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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