Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
