Buhtt sex?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
