my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
