Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
