there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
