My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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