I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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