It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
